1. The “unbiased” politics professor.
He begins each class by referencing the previous night’s “The Rachel Maddow Show,” except for on #tbt when he begins with a Bushism “for old time’s sake.” You’re totally not bothered by it — mostly just amused by the number of nicknames he has for Rick Perry.
How to pass: Make a joke about John Boehner’s fake tan.
2. The non-stop lecturer.
You really appreciate the professor’s vast knowledge of the subject matter, but is it really necessary she get through it all today? Seriously, note-taking in her class is a futile endeavor because you only have time to scribble down every fifth word anyway.
How to pass: Remember the magic of voice memos on your phone.
3. The sex-obsessed professor.
So basically every professor in the English department. If there’s the slightest hint of sexual symbolism in the novel you’re reading, you had better come to class prepared to discuss it. And if two guys in the novel are even distant friends, you know what that means…
How to pass: Every paper you write is about sex.
4. The PowerPoint aficionado.
“Congratulations, you can read from a slide!” You seriously wonder why the professor doesn’t just cancel class and send out an email with the PowerPoint attached. You don’t want to be there, and obviously neither does he.
How to pass: Print them out.
5. The hippie.
Is that pot you smell? No, it’s just the professor’s Woodstock-era Birkenstocks. You have even come up with a drinking game to play during lectures: take a shot every time she mentions non-violence, spirituality, or smoothies.
How to pass: Don’t ask if she wants to ~smoke~ with you.
6. The really famous professor.
You definitely see this professor more on cable news than you do around campus. Come to think of it, you’re fairly certain she has made only a couple of appearances in class the whole semester, meaning you’re in the hands of… (see number 7)
How to pass: Bow down.
7. The overly enthusiastic TA.
This guy is maybe two years older than you, but his bow ties suggest he’s wise beyond his years. You, however, see right through his sartorial mischief and realize his classroom antics make him better suited for entertaining a group of toddlers. He name-drops Derrida and Foucault, but he mispronounces the latter as foo-kolt.
How to pass: Play along.
8. The $elf-promoter.
It’s the same every time. First, the professor blasts other textbook authors as idiots. Second, she assures you her textbook is the best while also lamenting the rising cost of textbooks. Third, she updates the textbook each summer and requires the updated edition for the fall semester. (Good luck selling yours back.)
How to pass: Actually read it.
9. The nerdy hunk.
You thought the class would be a breeze until you realized how incredibly hard it would be not to fantasize about the professor during class. In all seriousness, smart and sexy have never combined in such a glorious way before. One thing is for sure: you won’t be falling asleep in his class any time soon.
How to pass: Don’t get any ideas.
10. The impossible professor.
After handing back the first exam (class average, 63), he bemoaned the unpreparedness of “college students these days” and then recounted the rigor of his own undergraduate experience. You’ve almost given up and now spend class time concocting vile comments to leave on the end-of-course survey.
How to pass: Old. Exams.
11. The accented professor.
This guy is definitely one of the nicest professors on campus, but his thick foreign accent makes it virtually impossible to understand a single word he says. You leave class with really sketchy notes, so you force yourself to do the reading in order to have a clue about what’s going on.
How to pass: Ask for clarification via email.
12. The chronically late professor.
It’s :09 past the hour, and just as the everyone is ready to split, in she strolls. At the beginning of the semester, you had high hopes she’d be a frequent no-show, but she’s proven to be incredibly reliable in her tardiness.
How to pass: Don’t be later than she is.
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