1. Dyed-in-the-wool sadist Lucifer the cat in Cinderella.
Part brutal torturer, part drama queen, Lucifer wreaked havoc on domestic laboring mice, a hapless dog, and Cinderella herself. A credit to asshole cats everywhere but a menace to all others.
2. The unseen but clearly malevolent owner of the jewel mine in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Only the most deranged business owner would staff his mine exclusively with the elderly, some with severe social phobias. These gentlemen should be enjoying retirement in Boca Raton, not engaging in dangerous manual labor for wages that can scarcely afford them a one-bedroom cottage.
3. Shack-dwelling lunatic Mad Madam Mim in The Sword & the Stone.
This Head Witch in Charge finds delight in the gruesome and grim, she can make herself hot but chooses to be hideous, and she keeps her signature purple hair even when she turns into a dragon. AMATEUR HOUR IS OVER.
4. Infanticidal monster walrus in Alice in Wonderland.
He pulled some Pied Piper shit on those little baby oysters in adorable bonnets and then ate them. He ate little tiny babies in bonnets.
5. This horny townie in Aladdin with no sense of perspective.
Look, lady, I get it. We’re all thirsty for Aladdin. He’s a stone cold fox. But he is also trying to escape a violent mob of sword-wielding royalists so maybe now is not the time.
6. Thumper, misogynist and braggart, in Bambi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he’s an adorable bunny who is just learning etiquette and makes a few mistakes. WRONG. He’s a competitive bully who declares, “They’re OK for girls,” of his own sisters. Shudder to think how he’ll view women when he comes of age.
7. This heartless merchant in Beauty & the Beast.
Seriously, dude, you’re going to deny nutritionally dense eggs to a single mother of what appear to be TRIPLET INFANTS and two rascally urchins? Any decent person would arrange a payment plan. We know who the real beast is here.
8. Foul-tempered, fair-weather pet owner Jim Dear in Lady & the Tramp.
This spineless cretin thinks that he can just start treating his pet poorly when a human baby comes along. May a shack-dwelling lunatic witch put a hex on your house!
9. Lamest of the lame friends, Flounder in The Little Mermaid.
Oh I’m so sure it was an accident when you mentioned how you and Ariel visited Scuttle right in front of her dad, you cowardly narc. Keep whining, it isn’t getting you any closer to an invitation to the next adventure.
10. Baby-endangering social climber Rafiki in The Lion King.
Rafiki is the Rasputin to Mufasa’s Czar Nicholas, enchanting the royal family with hogwash faux magic and putting everyone in danger. Just as Simba was settling into stoner life with Pumba and Timon, Rafiki tricked him into a picking a fight. Unconfirmed rumors also suggest that he inspired the very impressionable Michael Jackson to hold a his baby out a window in Berlin.
11. Meeko, the kleptomaniacal vector of disease in Pocahontas.
Meeko was not part of the original cast, but the Center for the Promotion of Filthy Disease-Ridden Criminal Vermin intervened and tried to make it seem cute when these foul beasts stole human food and got in fights with dogs.
12. That reckless know-it-all fairy Flora in Sleeping Beauty who insisted on that gauche hot pink dress.
Anyone with eyes and a lick of taste, sense, or human decency knows that Merryweather’s blue dress was far superior to the pink abomination that Flora dreamed up. But she just had to mount her ugly pink high horse and fight about it, setting in motion a tragic series of events that nearly killed her royal charge, Briar Rose (neé Aurora).
13. The casually homicidal mermaids in Peter Pan.
These sociopathic sea witches tried to kill a young tourist as if it were no thing, and they looked damn fly doing it too. Much respect, actually.
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