1. “I Caught Mommy Cheating On Daddy With An Old, Fat Man.”
Not something to be proud of, kid.
See: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” Jimmy Boyd
2. “Grandma Died, Let’s Party.”
Why doesn’t anyone care that their fragile, drunk Grandma left the house to get her meds and was brutally attacked by a deer?
See: “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer,” Elmo and Patsy
3. Nothing says “Season of Giving” like being a selfish bastard.
“Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you”- Dodged that bullet.
See: “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” Band Aid 1984
4. So bullying is okay as long as it’s sung in a festive manner?
“Suck on that bitches!” — Rudolph
See: “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer,” Gene Autry
5. “Let’s get drunk in my car and tell me how you’re in a loveless marriage.”
“She would have liked to say she loved the man, but she didn’t like to lie.”
See: “Same Old Lang Syne,” Dan Fogelberg
6. Mr. Kringle can get away with sexual harrassment because he gives out gifts afterward.
Jingle my bells old man.
“Old Mr. Kringle is soon gonna jingle, the bells that’ll tingle all your troubles away.”
See: “The Man With the Bag,” Kay Karr
7. Not married? Good. And from out of town? Even better. My wife will never know.
What kind of “job” are we talking here?
See: “Winter Wonderland,” Richard Himber
8. What if the Grinch was just born with a birth defect? Chew on that one.
I guess that could also be a reasonable defense in a court of law for breaking and entering?
See: “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” Thurl Ravenscroft … and basically the whole Grinch story.
9. You must have been a real dick if your S.O. and friends all abandoned you at Christmas.
Might want to start on those New Year’s resolutions early this year…
See: “Please Come Home For Christmas,” Charles Brown
10. “It’s cold out and I’m desperate.”
No means no. Or in this case, more roofies.
See: “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” Margaret Whiting and Johnny Mercer
11. “Santa baby, I deserve anything I want because I haven’t slept with EVERYONE in town….yet.”
So greedy.
See: “Santa Baby,” Eartha Kitt
12. So is mistletoe just an excuse to kiss whomever you want?
Mistletoe: helping everyone get laid.
See: “This Christmas,” Donny Hathaway
13. “Sir, I’m poor and my mom’s needs shoes because she’s dying.”
Just no.
See: “The Christmas Shoes,” NewSong
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